So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
