He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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