My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
