this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You're like the curious george of whores
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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