Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
