I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
