Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Randomize
