If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
