Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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