am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
