How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
