Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
My ass is underappreciated
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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