omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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