How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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