Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
