I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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