I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
