he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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