I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
i out mim tonsoeep
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