Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
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ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
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My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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