I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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