Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I looked at my own cervix.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
