Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
