I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
