Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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