The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
