Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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