i permit you to call me
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
