So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
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No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
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I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."