i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.