Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
