No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
