On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize
