it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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