You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
