He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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