so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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