dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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