is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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