You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
