I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
