My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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