I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
