just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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