I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
