I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
