Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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