I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
