That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
