do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
