my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
