the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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