why didn't you poke me back
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I want her autograph on my taint
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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