Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
so much tequila, so little girl.
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