i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
