i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
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if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
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If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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