OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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