The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
