Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
