i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
